What psychological and social factors lead people to deliberately try to make others dislike them?

The short version

People sometimes behave in ways that make others dislike them, and the reasons usually overlap. Some of the behavior is clearly deliberate, like cheating to give a partner an excuse to leave [20]. Some of it is less conscious: self-sabotage can be unconscious yet still look deliberate from the outside, and it can sometimes be fully intentional [18][29]. What unites these patterns is that pushing people away often serves an inner purpose for the person doing it.

Confirming a negative self-image

The most direct psychological explanation comes from self-verification theory. The theory says people want others to see them the way they see themselves, and they take active steps to make that happen — even when the self-view is negative [52][53]. People who see themselves as dislikable tend to seek out and embrace people who evaluate them negatively [54]. In romantic relationships, people with negative self-views may choose partners who mistreat them or undermine their self-worth because those partners verify deep feelings of low self-worth [60]. This is an active choice, not just avoidance of nice people: in one line of research, people with negative self-views picked unfavorable, self-verifying partners even when a non-social alternative was offered [63].

Why would anyone do that? Consistent feedback brings a sense of order and predictability; it makes the world feel more understandable than constantly hearing the opposite of what you believe about yourself [58]. When people are highly certain of a negative self-concept, or when they hold depressive self-views, the desire for self-verification can actually beat the desire for praise [59]. Depressed people may behave negatively toward roommates, causing the roommates to reject them and confirming the belief that they are unlovable or unworthy [62]. Even subtle signals — slumping shoulders, avoiding eye contact, staring at the ground — can evoke reactions that confirm a negative self-image [61]. Research cited by the theory also points to "the allure of negative feedback" and the search for negative evaluations among depressed people [55][56].

Fear and self-protection: leave before you're left

Fear is frequently the underlying cause of relationship self-sabotage [23]. The specific fears involved include fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy [17]. People may push others away, subconsciously or purposefully, to prevent future hurt [19]. Psychologists describe self-sabotage as a cognitive strategy for self-protection whose job is to safeguard self-esteem and self-image [22], and self-sabotage can also shield people from potential hurt or abandonment [45].

This strategy often plays out in social ways. If a person is afraid of getting hurt, they may sabotage the relationship to take control of the situation [36]. If the relationship fails because of their behaviors, they avoid the possibility of being abandoned first [35], and the blame for the failure can land on the behaviors rather than on a character flaw [34]. Even when things feel good, a sudden urge to push the partner away can appear [37]. Some people engage in deliberately hurtful acts — cheating, for example — to give the partner a reason to leave, telling themselves they are "hurting their partner before they get hurt" [20].

People who expect rejection may also induce rejection, or strike first and become the rejecter [10]. Insecure attachment styles make self-protection feel more necessary, which may be why self-sabotage is more common in this group [31]. A related social pattern is hopping from one relationship to the next as a way to self-protect, something modern online dating has made easier [28].

Insecurity and low self-worth

Insecurity is a classic driver of mean or dismissive behavior. People who put others down are often deeply insecure about themselves and use the put-downs to deflect attention away from their own flaws [1]. Some believe hurting other people makes them feel strong and self-assured [2].

Low self-esteem can push people toward the same outcome. People with low self-esteem may self-sabotage so that the outside world matches what they already believe about themselves [33]. They may decide in advance that they will do something wrong, or they may blame their partner for uncomfortable feelings [25]. Low self-esteem can also create doubts about whether the person deserves love, which leads them to push others away [46]. One person described the cycle from the inside: not keeping promises lowers self-esteem, and lower self-esteem leads to even more self-sabotage [41]. Avoiding intimacy can be another shield for people who fear rejection or struggle with low self-esteem [39]. Broadly, deep-seated fears and insecurities can hold people back from genuine connection [42].

Unresolved rejection and inner conflict

Some people go looking for rejection, even while complaining about being its victim [9]. The roots can be an inner conflict: consciously the person wants love, but unconsciously they are emotionally tied to expectations of rejection [12]. This can translate outward as self-doubt, self-criticism, and self-rejection projected into the world [13]. The result is a compulsion to recycle the unresolved hurt of rejection, almost like being addicted to the pain [14].

Lack of insight makes the pattern worse. People may sabotage a relationship because they refuse to acknowledge the negative emotion (like rejection) that they themselves introduced into it [11]. Denial of the inner conflict can make someone develop detached, unfriendly, or even bitter feelings toward a partner or friend [15].

Old wounds: childhood, parents, and attachment styles

Social history matters. Childhood relationships with caregivers can leave a lasting imprint, and people with a history of insecure relationships may automatically assume future relationships are doomed to fail [21]. Difficult or abusive relationships with parents can leave lasting scars and make intimacy feel daunting [48]. Childhood trauma is also named as a contributor to self-sabotage in adulthood [32][40][47]. Baggage from childhood or previous relationships can show up as fears of intimacy or abandonment that push partners away — sometimes even when that is not the person's intention [44]. Insecure attachment behaviors are another route to ending romantic relationships [24].

Entitlement, habits, and missing relationship skills

Some factors are social habits rather than deep wounds. People who like to keep others waiting may be showing entitlement: they see themselves as outside the norms that apply to other people [5]. They demand that others follow their schedule rather than comply with social niceties [4]. It is also easier to operate in a way that maximizes personal comfort instead of considering other people's needs [6], and this behavior gets reinforced when others are genuinely happy when the person finally shows up [7]. If nobody calls them out on it, why change? [8] Entitlement-driven norm-flaunting can therefore persist as a learned, self-serving style [3].

Missing relationship skills and emotional regulation also contribute. Defensiveness, difficulty trusting others, and a lack of relationship skills are common culprits [30], and people who self-sabotage tend to find it harder to think clearly and self-regulate when relationship difficulties arise [27]. Unrealistic expectations are another factor: some people expect partners to read their minds or hold "fairytale" ideas of love [26]. Setting impossibly high standards sets a partner up for failure and provides a reason to end the relationship [38].

Other motives: provoking reactions and defending yourself

A simpler motive for deliberately annoying behavior is to get a reaction out of the other person [50]. Hate can also be used as a self-defense mechanism, protecting self-esteem or defending a community's interests and beliefs [51].

Is it always deliberate?

No. Self-sabotage is often an unconscious cognitive process, though it can sometimes be more intentional [29]. From the outside, however, it often looks completely deliberate [18]. The word "deliberately" in the question captures part of the picture, but the full answer includes a lot of people who are acting on fears and beliefs they do not fully see — and who might be surprised to hear that they are the ones engineering the rejection [9][11].